The suspects

Beachie

I’m a female world championship surfer. I’ve won it so many times; I’ve almost lost count. I have a holiday house on the Big Island. I am a pretty tough woman. You have to be to surf as you have to fight for each wave with a bunch of guys. Dress suggestion: Dress in your swimsuit and carry a towel, a leg rope, surfboard wax, sunscreen, a surfboard or any other similar props you can find.

Brad

I’m a lifeguard at the beach. In my spare time, I go bike riding and play the ukulele. I like the fact that the ukulele was invented in Hawaii and that it means “jumping fleas” and people called it that because the musician’s fingers flew about like fleas on it. Dress suggestion: Dress like a lifeguard. Perhaps carry a CPR chart. If you want you can also carry a bicycle helmet and and/or a ukulele.

Kainoa

(pronounced Ki-no-uh) – (pronounced Ki-no-uh) I have a macadamia nut farm in Kona. I also grow some coffee beans on it. Although macadamias are native to Australia, most people mistakenly believe they are native to Hawaii. I don’t mind because we sell a lot at the airport. I have a stand near the highway so I also sell to tourists. The tour buses stop at it. I lay on my Hawaiian accent for the tourists and I try to be as much of a character as I can be by calling everyone sista, bro, auntie or uncle. Dress suggestion: Khaki shirt and shorts. Carry some macadamia nuts to offer people you meet. Ideally ones in their shells and also carry a nutcracker.

Tanya

I’m a seismologist and I’m proud of it. People sometimes get a tremor when I’m around – only joking. I spend a lot of time monitoring the volcano we have here. I’m from mainland USA but I have made Hawaii my base. Dress suggestion: Wear an old T-shirt and write things on it like “Seis the day”, “Seis Wise”. You can also wear fatigue pants and carry a compass, flashlight and hiking boots.

Penny

I climb coconut palms and de-nut them so they don’t drop on tourists’ heads when they go to the beach. At the markets I sell fresh green coconuts for people to drink. Dress suggestion: Wear a sarong and carry a coconut.

Mango Man

I’m well-known identity and I live in the rainforest. No one knows exactly where. I walk to town most days. I live off the land, but sometimes when the fruit isn’t ripe I go to the Church soup kitchen. Some people think I have eaten their dog, but that isn’t true. Dress suggestions: Carry a hand woven bag over your shoulder with mangos and water in it and come barefoot and darkly tanned. Only wear old dirty shorts and no shirt (if possible). Speak softly, dreamily.

Pua

(pronounced poo’ ah) – My name means “flower”. I am a descendent of the royal family that used to run Hawaii. The last few leaders didn’t have any children, but I am a cousin of an earlier leader. I believe in taking back Hawaii for Hawaiians and separating from the US. I am passionate about this cause. After all the land was taken away from Hawaiians and they broke all their promises. I have a wide variety of native plants growing in my backyard. I love children and good uke (ukulele) music. Dress suggestions: Wear an Hawaiian print sarong and a head lei made of ferns or other greenery. Carry the Hawaiian independence flag.

Ernie

I am a vermin exterminator. I remove cockroaches and other pests that are common in this tropical climate. I am into bugs especially the kinds that make some people scream and run. Dress suggestion: Wear grey work shorts and a white shirt. If possible, bring along some plastic cockroaches or other pests.

Nani

(pronounced nah’ nee) – My name means “beautiful”. I sing at one of the best resorts. I’ve recorded a few CDs and am still waiting for my big break. Jazz is my favorite thing to sing besides Hawaiian tunes. I love sharing my culture with the tourists, except when they are culturally insensitive. Dress suggestion: Wear a sarong, a tightly fitting top and make up. Have your hair down and put a lei or flower in your hair. Go barefoot.

Don

I design tropical houses that are suited to this climate. It’s a shame that isn’t what most people want to live in. I am also into bicycling and planting trees. Dress suggestion: Wear business clothes and carry some house plans. Maybe carry a bicycle helmet.

Lana

(pronounced lah nah) – My name means “calm as still waters”. Maybe that is why I try to be the opposite. I take tourists sky-diving, bungee jumping, rafting or on any other adventurous activity they want to do besides visiting the volcano. Dress suggestion: Wear sports clothes and carry some props like an oar from a raft and so on.

Keanu

I fish both from the land and in my boat. My father was a fisherman and his father was before him. So I carry on the tradition. I also play guitar and write songs. Dress suggestion: Wear old clothes and carry a fishing line and/or some fish lures. Carry a guitar.

Optional witnesses

Kuhea – I am a lei maker. I have a stall at the airport and I sell leis to locals and tourists. Dress suggestions: Wear a mumu or a brightly colored dress, flip flops and have a flower behind your ear. Use 12 inch (30cm) lei needles to make your leis. Bring a box of flowers (or fake ones), sit on the floor and start stringing them together to make a lei.

Mike – I am a pig hunter. I live in Fern Forest and I live off the land. I am hapa Hawaiian (half-Hawaiian) and my wife is full Hawaiian. In my spare time, I coach a soccer team. Dress suggestions: Put on some fake tattoos, wear a sleeveless T-shirt and cut off pants and flip flops. Carry a machete.

Yuki – I am Japanese and a bird researcher. My specialty is Nene – the endangered Hawaiian goose. I am passionate about my work. In my spare time, I talk at schools. Dress suggestions: Dress very neatly and carry a bird book and some binoculars.

Poi – I run the local animal shelter. I love dogs of every shape and size. A lot of the surfboard riders have a dog waiting for them on shore and everyone is cool with that. I can help if you want to adopt one too. Dress suggestions: Wear a bandana around your neck and carry a stuffed or toy dog.

Curran – I am a tourist. I can’t say I am really enjoying Hawaii – it’s too hot, the ocean is too cold, the hotel isn’t up to standard. They just don’t treat me with the respect I deserve. And when I take try to photos of the locals, they either give me rude gestures or they run away. They have even had the hide to tell me not to talk so loudly and some have called me culturally insensitive. I don’t know what they mean by that. Dress suggestions: Dress in clothes that are inappropriate for the climate like long sleeves and thick jeans. Carry a camera and a tourist guidebook or a map.

Mia – I am a fashion model. I am on the Big Island to do a photo shoot for a fashion label. They’re trying to contrast the really feminine clothes with the harsh lava landscape. I like flirting with all the guys on this island. There are some real hunks here. Dress suggestions: Wear beautiful feminine clothes. Wear heels and make-up.

Dirk – I am a famous volleyball player from the mainland US. I am in Hawaii for my first time. A major sports company sponsors me and I wear all of their products. All of their products are blue and white with a large star on them. I am very careful to keep my sponsor happy. Dress suggestions: Volleyball uniform, which is blue with a white star on it. You can create this using white a cardboard star pinned to a blue shirt. Carry a volleyball ball.

Tako (this means octopus in Japanese) – I am a thief. It’s more exciting than any office job. I break into cars and steal wallets from tourists. I’m a quiet man. I laugh at a good joke. I think the authorities are stupid because I’ve never been caught. I would never steal from children and I love dogs. Dress suggestions: Wear casual loose clothes with lots of pockets. Put some jewelry and wallets in them. Carry a mobile phone and wear a nice watch.

Lex – I am an ocean engineering scientist. I work for the University of Hawaii. I have written many articles about the oceans. I am the director of an ocean research center and I have a lot of staff working underneath me. Dress suggestions: Carry some books about the oceans. Make your skin looked very tanned.

Fia (pronounced fee-uh) – I am Samoan. I own a tree-lopping company. I keep all the big trees looking good. I’m a bit like a tree hairdresser sometimes. I find all sorts of things in the trees. I know a lot of jokes. Dress suggestions: Wear a typical tropical aloha shirt but don’t do the top 2 or 3 buttons up. Wear flip-flops and baggy pants. Put some leaves or vines around you.

Stanley – I am in the navy. My father was at Pearl Harbor during the bombing. I think that a strong military is the way to solve many of the world’s problems. I wasn’t born here, but I love the islands. I have a wife and two kids. Dress suggestions: Wear a navy uniform.

Callista – is a SCUBA instructor for a well-known dive company. In my spare time, I like to party hard, sing Hawaiian songs and I also play a nose flute. Dress suggestions: Bring a mask and snorkel and flippers; wear a bathing suit or shorts. Carry a nose flute.

Bobby – I’m a tourist visiting Hawaii. I want to learn everything I can about Hawaii while I am here. I want to learn how to make leis, hula dance, SCUBA dive etc. Dress suggestions: Wear a moustache and a thick gold chain around your neck.

Kekepania – I’m a hula dancer at one of the major hotels on the island. I’m skilled in doing steps like the kaholo, ka’o, kawelu, hela, ‘uwehe, and ‘ami. My mother says I am incarnation of Laka – the goddess of the hula. Dress suggestions: Wear a grass skirt and coconut shell bikini.

Akashi – I was born in Hawaii but now I am a professional sumo wrestler in Japan. It’s a very regimented way of life as my stable master controls everything I do. I have competed in many tournaments and have many fans. I am here visiting my family. Dress suggestions: Drape some material around your underwear sumo-style.

Benita – I’m a famous actor and I have retired in Hawaii. You probably remember me from that soap I was on and the movies I was in. I love my house, which is surrounded by infinity swimming pools. Dress suggestions: Wear stylish tropical attire.

Turner – I’m a cartoonist for a major US magazine and, because I can live anywhere, I have chosen to live in Hawaii. Even sarcasm can be alive and well in a tropical island. Dress suggestions: Carry a pencil and a sketchbook. Wear tropical clothes.

Optional (but recommended) authority

Kerry Hastings (male or female) – Ever since I watch Hawaii Five-O as a child on TV, I have wanted to be a cop in Hawaii. So as soon as I was old enough to join the force, I did. Dress suggestions: Dress in a police uniform but maybe add a lei to it. Or dress in a suit like they did in Hawaii Five-O (although it is ridiculous given the climate).